the one about grief
As the 8 month mark of my dad’s passing is approaching things have been significantly harder. Anxieties about life without him have grown especially as I see the lives of close friends and family members move on. It’s probably normal to get wrapped up in the “why did this happen to me” mentality. But with each passing day I am doing the best that I can to take the emotions as they come and that’s all that I can really do.
My dad didn’t talk much about 9/11 in general, it’s not something you bring up day to day. But what he never mentioned was the celebration of the 9/11 cleanup - the 18th anniversary had passed a few weeks ago and I never realized it was something that was commemorated. It was a milestone for New York City as it was turned into a warzone after the attacks. People from all over the country came to help. It was a huge turning point as New Yorkers bounced back and returned back to “normal.” I am so proud of my dad and all of the other first responders for going down to Ground Zero and doing everything that they could to help.
Then came Father’s Day. It was a day that I was dreading as I knew I would be seeing friends and family posting about the father figures in their lives. Luckily, I have a great support system that gave me their love and thoughts throughout the week. I know that there will be people around me who won’t understand what I am going through as the loss of my dad is still so new. I am still learning how to manage grieving my dad as there are certainly times where it hits me all at once.
As I am personally adjusting to this new normal, I am learning how to communicate with friends and my own family about the struggles of losing my dad -- especially being that it was so sudden. My dad was only sick for a short amount of time so there wasn’t enough time to process what was happening. I am learning that it is okay to share how I am feeling and that there are people who are there to listen. I am learning that each day is a new day to start over even if the day before wasn’t so great.
Nobody tells you that grief comes in waves. There are days where I can look back on the memories I have with my dad and it will make me smile. But then there are the other days where I am super sensitive to even the smallest things that remind me of him. There are moments where I feel overwhelmed with grief and somehow this must be a bad dream. As I am learning to cope - I would like to say that I am so appreciative of my best friends especially for being so patient with me.
My dad was always the one that I could count on when I was upset. I try to remember the things he would say to me if he was here and I know it would include things like, “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “things could always be worse - it will get better.” Grief is an overwhelming emotion that comes with no warning. Sometimes it comes as soon as you get up in the morning and other times it hits you out of nowhere when you’re out trying to have a good time.
I am positive that my dad would be proud of me for how I am trying to navigate life without him and how far I have come. It surely is a rollercoaster of emotions that nobody can ever prepare you for. I am figuring things out as I go - and there a few things that I would like to share with people who are going through the same thing as me which includes:
It is okay to feel what you are feeling. Don’t let anyone invalidate your emotions.
Surround yourself with friends and family - they might not “understand” but they want to be there for you.
Give yourself time to cry when you need to. Holding it in only makes it worse. Whether it be 10 minutes or an hour - give yourself that time.
Talk about it if you feel like talking about it - don’t hold back because of what others might think of you.
Most importantly - it's okay to say you’re not okay. I always feel the need to tell people I am fine when I’m not which ends up backfiring.
Losing my dad has been the biggest loss for me and I am trying to find a balance. I am learning that it is okay to be sad and happy at the same time. I am also learning how to adjust to this new normal as I let new people into my life - I wear my heart on my sleeve (which tends to be a weakness and strength) however I am confident that with the right judgement things will work out the way they are supposed to.
here’s to the people who are grieving the loss of their loved ones…
