a letter to my dad
As I sit on the couch in the spot that my dad would cozy up to, I can’t help but think how this will be my first September without him. It is almost a year ago that we brought him to the hospital for his stomach pain and life as we knew it was changed forever. This is also a particularly hard month because of the anniversary of September 11th. As soon as September would hit, the energy in my house would always shift. As a family, we always knew that this month was always difficult for my dad as he would relive the memories through memorial services and the television.
I wanted to dedicate this post to being an open letter to my dad as I am not sure how to anticipate my first 9/11 without him…
Dear Dad,
I don’t know why life had to be unfair and take you away from us. I don’t know why you aren’t here eating dinner with us every night. I don’t know why you aren’t here making us laugh and sitting here on the couch with your iPad open with the History channel on in the background.
I don’t know how to take it all in at times. I try to keep in mind things you would say like, “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “just take a deep breath.” But without you here, I feel lost. Sometimes it feels like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from. The saying, “the only guy a girl can rely on is her father” is the statement of the year. As I am navigating how to move to the city - I have no clue how I am going to do it without you. All I can think of is how you moved me into college for 5 years straight and after we were done moving everything in, you would hang up all of my pictures. This time, I don’t have you there to pull out your measuring tape and pencil to make sure everything is squared away.
It feels unreal to me that your greatest fear of becoming sick became a reality for all of us. I will never forget the time you brought me to a memorial service and you broke down in tears. It wasn’t until that day that I was able to understand just a little bit more of your pain. I wish I could turn back the clock to erase that day. I know I will never be able to fully grasp what the city was like at that time or the things you saw but I am sorry you had to go through that.
Dad, there will never be anything that I could do or say to bring you back. All I know is that this family will be forever missing a huge piece without you. That there would never have been enough time with you before saying goodbye. That thinking about life milestones down the road gives me anxiety with the thought of not having you there to be physically present. How unfair it is to see my friends have their dads. But in spite of that, I will keep trying everyday to keep you proud.
I am sorry that you lost a piece of yourself on 9/11. I am sorry that due to that day your life was cut short. I am not sure what to expect as the 19th anniversary of this horrific day is approaching. We will continue to do everything in our power as a family to make sure that the term NEVER FORGET will always be that way. As a kid, I always told you that you were my hero and you will ALWAYS be my hero.
Love always,
Victoria Rose (Torini)
The one thing that I am sure about is that there will be a ton of emotions happening within the next couple of weeks. The first anything without my dad has not been fun. The first birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Father’s Day without my dad were not days I particularly looked forward to. However, as a family we have been making the most of it and doing what we can to hold it together.
In all of this darkness, there is also light. My dad, Lt. Estreicher will be honored during a ceremony where his name will be on the wall at FDNY headquarters and will be there forever. I am also excited to see what is to come as me and my sister are launching a foundation in honor of our dad. This journey is not one I thought I would ever be on but each day I am finding the strength and patience to live in my new normal.
here’s to all of the lives lost on September 11, 2001…
