the end

At 2AM the night nurse woke up me and my mom and my heart instantly dropped. I knew something wasn’t right. Me, my mom, and sister gathered around my dad and we had just missed his last breath. It was truly the most devastating moment to realize that my dad wasn’t coming back anymore. This horrible cancer took the best of my dad. It didn’t even give him a fighting chance.

I was angry. I still am. I am angry that the doctors didn’t do more to help. I am angry that 9/11 happened. I am angry that my dad had to get the worst cancer and when he found out it was already too late. I am angry that my dad will never get to hear about my new job, or be around to walk me down the aisle, or be a poppa to my kids one day. I know my sister felt the same. My mom and dad were supposed to go on vacation for my dad’s 60th birthday and she was robbed out of doing that.

I am always going to wish that I had more time with my dad. It infuriates me that if 9/11 hadn’t happened, my dad wouldn’t have breathed in all of those toxins, he wouldn’t have lost all of his friends, and he wouldn’t have experienced depression and anxiety. But you know what? He would have done it all over again. And that, I know for a fact.

The wake and funeral were overwhelming to say the least. Family Assistance had picked us up and dropped us off all week to get us to where we needed to be. What the fire department does for a wake and funeral service is simply unbelievable. They had the honor guard switch out every 15 to 20 minutes, there were always two men standing next to my dad’s casket. Dozens and dozens of firefighters gave their condolences. As much as it sucked, it was comforting to meet the guys that my dad worked with. It was nice to hear stories about how great of a Lieutenant he was and how dedicated he was to his job.

One guy even gave us this little gold token that had the fire department emblem on one side and the Marine Corps emblem on the other. I had never been to a funeral service for anyone in the fire department before, and my mom said it would be like nothing we had ever seen. My dad was a lifelong member of the Marine Corp League in Staten Island and they also had a really nice ceremony to honor my dad at the wake.

As we were heading out to the church, they carried my dad into the firetruck that holds the casket. In front of that truck, was Engine 248, the company that my dad retired out of. It had his name on the truck, “Lieutenant Richard G. Estreicher.” The firefighters stood standing in salute to my dad. As we approached the church, it was a few minutes before we headed down the rest of the street.

It was the most incredible thing that I have ever seen. There must have been hundreds of firefighters standing salute down Nelson Avenue. It was amazing to see how many people come together when someone passes away. After the church, we stood outside where they honored my dad one more time. The Fire Department Commissioner honored us with a certificate thanking my dad for his service and a brand-new Engine 248 helmet.  

My life, my sister’s life, and my mom’s life have not been the same. At first it seemed like my dad was on vacation and he would be back soon. But now, as the second month is approaching without my dad, it is starting to feel more real. Experiencing our birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without him just didn’t feel right.

The best advice that I was given was, “don’t take it day by day, take it moment by moment.” It is so true. Some moments I am okay where I am either sucked into Netflix, busy at work, or with friends. But the moments it does hit me, I completely just lose it. It’s a feeling of being angry that he was taken away from us too soon, and a feeling of sadness because I won’t ever get one more hug from him.

When we were getting pictures together to make boards for the wake, my dad had at least a dozen albums put together. Albums either dedicated to just his Marine Corp days, his FDNY days, or the days where was dating my mom. I loved that he had all of these pictures. There were even hand-written letters that were addressed to my dad thanking him for saving their life. He kept every newspaper article that his company responded to or his name was mentioned in. My dad’s passion was the fire department and helping others, and I know he wouldn’t change it for anything.

It gets really frustrating knowing that my dad spent his life saving other people and the doctors couldn’t save him. I wish there was something that they could have done to give him better quality of life, even if it was just for a few more months. In my house, most of us are November babies and each year we go out for a nice dinner to celebrate. This year we had it planned to go see a Broadway show and go to Wolfgang’s afterwards. We didn’t get to do that. In fact, we didn’t get to have one more family day together.

Saying goodbye to my dad was extremely hard and something I never imagined having to do, (at least not at my age). It was hard seeing my dad’s worst nightmare unfold but the only positive thing was that he didn’t suffer for a long time with cancer. Going forward, my life is different. I no longer have my dad telling me, “be careful” every time I walk out the door. It’s no longer the 4 of us sitting around the dinner table. I no longer have my personal driver, late-night snack buddy, and ball-busting father.

It is also hard to not become angry that my dad didn’t tell us that being sick was something that will most likely be a reality. But I know he protected us and didn’t want us to worry. His biggest accomplishments were sending me and my sister to college and being able to see us graduate. He loved that he was able to take us to Disney World and Aruba. He loved going to see my sister cheer and watching me play soccer and dance. My dad’s greatest accomplishment was his family, and each day, I hope that I can continue to make him proud. Each day I hope that I can follow his legacy, which was helping others and making people laugh.

My life will never be the same without my dad, but I know he is looking down on me, my mom, and my sister. He has always been my hero and I think it’s safe to say that he was a hero to anyone who has known him.

Here is to Family Fire Assistance and the comfort they brought me and my family…